It just gets worse
by Satoh
Summary: Ed wakes up to find something he seriously DIDN'T expect. Hawkeye is surprised by a similar occurrance, It will bring these two closer together than ever before. Please enjoy. Please review, a lot! Part 4 pending reviews.
1. Part 1

Disclamer…Don't we already know this crap by heart now…? I don't own anything related to FMA…cept some DVDs I purchased

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Edward Elric, the FullMetal Alchemist, opened his eyes slowly. The fog of morning still clouding his mind, he slowly lifted his head. Eyes focussing only halfway, he looked at what was not his bed, noticing something somewhat round that was not a pillow. Raising his head slightly more he noticed something that was not the headboard of his bed. Most of his noticings were of a pale color. At the very top of the blurry mystery not-bed was a blob of golden color. Ed, tired of guessing, rubbed his eyes a bit, relieving them of some haze. He looked back at the not-bed object only to realize that, not only was it not a bed, but it was in fact a person. More to the point, it was a person he knew. His brain was still half dead just now so he couldn't quite place it yet.

'Oh, god… blond hair… pale skin… Winry…?' he thought slowly the realization only making half the impact it should. 'No, wait… Winry isn't this tall… Oh what a relief, It's just Hawkeye…Waaaaaittaminute… HAWKEYE!? Oh damn! Baddreambaddreambaddream! Go back to sleep before she wakes up and kills you or you won't be able to wake up!!'

And with that he lay his head back on the soft cushion that was apparently Riza Hawkeye, and slept. Minutes later, he still slept.

More minutes later, there was finally a stirring. The blonde head was finally raised. And with some rubbing of eyes there was a vocalized, "Ahh that's much better" Thoughts entering the mind stated, 'I don't remember my sheets being so heavy…'

It was at this point that the stirring blond looked down to see, propped comfortably and deeply asleep…

Black Hayate.

Slightly above Black Hayate however was something Riza Hawkeye had certainly not expected to see.

"Oh dear god, I must've been really drunk last night…" she said as she poked the sleeping figure of Edward Elric. "Guess it's to be expected… I mean we did drink a lot last night… and I was voted most likely to have an incredibly embarrassing experience… Well… all I have to do is make sure Havoc and the others… and especially that pervert, Mustang, don't hear about this…" she continued aloud only to be interrupted.

"Find out about what Alpho- Ohshititwasn'tadreamI'mgonnadienow!!!" Ed blurted as he woke rather startled. "Knock it off!!" Hawkeye yelled punching him in the head. "And get off me we, need to get dressed…"

At that remark the younger of the blondes stood up and for the first time it hit him, he was staring a very naked Riza Hawkeye. "H-Hey, quit staring! Get dressed!…NOW!" she scolded him, and despite all of the blood in his body rushing madly to his face, he somehow managed to scurry away.

'Must've been something really good last night… Clothes are all over the place…' he thought to himself.

Riza Hawkeye saw only two options: Decide to go public with the fact that she had apparently had a night full of horribly embarrassing and reputation marring sex with Edward Elric,

OR

Spend the rest of her life trying to hide it while keeping the FullMetal alchemist at arm's length to make sure he didn't let it slip. Guns might help here… but it might seem conspicuous if she suddenly shot him for no apparent reason…

"I've got a better idea!" Ed chimed in forcing the lieutenant to realize she'd spoken all of that aloud. Walking over to the phone Ed dialed a few numbers and waited…

"_Hello? This is Colonel Mustang."_

"Colonel It's me."

"_FullMetal? Where are you? I've got a new assignment for you."_

"Alright, but first I need you to do me a favor."

"_What is it?"_

"I need you to fill out some forms for me…"

"_You want _me_ to fill out forms for _you_…_

"Yeah, I need the standard inter-personnel fraternization forms."

"_FullMetal are you positive that you have the right forms in mind?"_

"Maybe I should explain…"

"_Maybe you should."_

"Well… Colonel… _Riza and I are dating!_"

Sputtering and coughing can be heard over the phone, as the ever-cool Flame alchemist becomes the equivalent of a coffee volcano.

"_cough cough Alright I'll get on it… Nevermind about the assignment."_

"Oh, why's that?"

"_I was gonna have you track down the lieutenant, she's been out a few days and no one could find her. I'll see you later then, FullMetal."_

"Alright Colonel" Ed said hanging up. "So what's your big idea Edward? And who was that?" Hawkeye questioned with genuine wonder.

"Oh I took care of it. Oh and that was Mustang, I told him we were dating! He's filling out the paperwork now…" and suddenly with Ed's final words, 1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye blacked out… and there was a slight foaming at the mouth shortly after…

A/N: Reality will no longer exist in part 2, just a warning…

Mustang: Yes if you really value your sanity you won't read the next part.

A/N: Actually I was warning you all… I _want _them to read the next part… that's when the _real_ fun begins…

Hawkeye: foams and gurgles

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A/N: I really feel I don't get many reviews… so…. REVIEW YOU LEECHES!!! Ahem I mean please review it keeps me writing….


	2. Part 2

**Disclaimer:** As I said before I don't own any of the characters listed here…(aside from The Writer™)

The Writer™- when last we saw the fateful crew of FMA, Hawkeye had just collapsed in a shock-induced seizure Ed acquired himself a girlfriend (sort of) and Mustang was filling out paperwork (?)

Mustang- What's with the question mark, are you implying I'm not a hard worker?

The Writer™- Who's implying?

Ed- He has a point, Colonel.

Mustang- You know, Fullmetal, I could somehow lose my papers before I take this up with command… you don't need a court martial now do you?

Hawkeye- Uuugh… My head hurts… where am I? I had this horrible dream…

Mustang- The one about having sex with Fullmetal and being forced into some sort of odd relationship with him to cover it up?

Hawkeye- Yeah that one--!?

Ed- how did you know it was a cover-up?

Mustang- I'm not stupid, Fullmetal.

Ed- Then why are you filling out the papers!?

Mustang- _Because,_ Edward, you two just look _so cute together._

Hawkeye- B-Bastard horrible veins pulsate on her forehead.

The Writer™- As much fun as this all is, I've decided to keep some semblance of reality after all. _Sooooo_… GET BACK TO WORK YOU SLACKERS!

Hughes- Am _I_ gonna have a part in this?

The Writer™- Since this follows no real timeline…yes?

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1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye awakened in a desk chair. As her eyes focused she could make out the faces of Breda, Feury, Havoc, and Falman, staring down at her. Sitting up, she was greeted with, "So your finally awake, lieutenant." Mustang continued, "I understand you and Fullmetal are going out now, is that correct?" At this everyone stared at Hawkeye, who was tightly clinched.

"W-Whatever do you mean, colonel?" she barely managed to say. His reply was a swift and concise, " Well that's what these papers say at least." Everyone's stare had suddenly grown deeper and more shocked. Havoc was the first to speak up with, "Way to go, Ed! I didn't think ya had it in ya!" Then Breda stepped in. "Ok guys pay up…" he said, to which everyone proceeded to hand him wads of cash. "Hey just what's going on here!?" Hawkeye exclaimed. Havoc answered, "We all took a bet to see who would end up winning your heart… If it's any consolation I voted you staying single for the rest of your life." Everyone then proceeded to state their bets.

"I said colonel Mustang…" Feury explained.

"Someone none of us know…" Falman said.

"…And I voted for the underdog, whomever I thought was least likely." Breda finished.

'I don't believe this… they were already betting on me when nothing had even happened yet…' Hawkeye thought, mentally strangling each one of them, including Ed for bringing this fate upon her. "Why, lieutenant, you don't look very good, could I speak with you alone for a moment?" Mustang cut in, ending the previous conversation.

As they all filed out of the room, Riza caught one of them saying 'hi' to Ed in the hall. "Fullmetal… when I get my hands on you…" she mumbled. "Easy now, isn't it just a bit early for _those_ kinds of activities…? But seriously, you understand that by doing this Edward has saved your career, don't you?" the Flame alchemist explained in a calm low voice.

"My career, sir?" she questioned.

"Think about it Hawkeye. If word had gotten out in any other way, without these papers, you both would've been court martialled. I think you owe Fullmetal a lot for this. You of course understand he'll probably catch hell from Al and that automail mechanic." Roy continued. "And besides all of that… he might be just what you need in a man!" he finished with a high note in his tone. "Now! Go see your new boyfriend, he's probably stressing over this as much as you by now!" he said with a large grin, "and tell him, he owes me one."

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"Brother, how could you?! Don't you know how Winry feels?" Alphonse Elric scolded. "Give it a rest Al, how was I supposed to know this would happen? I mean it's not like I get drunk often!" the older Elric argued.

"Edward…" Riza Hawkeye interrupted, "I—Thank you… Alphonse, it's because of this… that I still have a job in the military… I—Fullmetal, I owe you one… If there's anything you need…"

"Brother… I had no idea." Al apologized. "Don't worry about it Al. Riza, this may sound weird, but we'll have to keep up appearances anyway so… Why don't we try to make this work?" the alchemist was either incredibly sly, incredibly horny, or some mixture of the two. That aside, the answer came a moment later.

With a tinge of red on her cheeks she replied, "A-Alright…" And regaining her composure continued, "I will do my utmost to accommodate you as your officially sanctioned life-partner, sir!" Both Ed and Al couldn't help but sweatdrop at the sudden outburst. Ed was very uncertain as to what exactly she meant, but somehow he didn't expect it was what he meant.

Before any off-comments could be made none other than Major Alex Louis Armstrong burst through the door saying, "Edward I just heard!! I think it's wonderful that you two have found such a lovely situation! Just look at my muscles pulsate with ecstacy!" Somehow his military shirt and jacket dissolved into a void (possibly inside the gate of alchemy) and purple sparkles showered everyone. "This calls for a celebration! Don't you worry one bit, I'll make all the preparations!" and with that he was gone, muscles, mustache, sparkles, and all.

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And so, 3 hours and several glasses of spiked punch later they all sat enduring some kareoke from colonel Mustang.

"Nooooooooow, there is a fire in me

A fire that buuuurns

This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn this city- burn this city

This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn this city burn this city

This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn this city burn this city

This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn it- I'll burn it- I'll burn it- I'll- I'll- I'll burn it down!" he sang(quite badly, he was very drunk).

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The Writer™ and so it just doesn't seem to end this torment they all endure…

Mustang: I'm a _good_ singer thank you very much! is drunk

Al: Brother, I think my ears are bleeding! is as drunk as a can of condensed soul can be

Ed: Al, you don't have ears, but mine are bleeding for both of us… is not drunk enough to enjoy bad kareoke

Hawkeye: It'sssss not that badddd is very, _very_ drunk

Armstrong: I'm too sexy for my shirt, to sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts is drunk _and_ grotesquely muscular

Envy: I'm a model, you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk feels left out

Winry: Edward is just lucky he saved her career, otherwise he wouldn't be leaving this party alive… (not that he'll be very thankful to be alive when I'm done) is pissed off royally

Kimblee: Well at least _he_ doesn't have half a clown growing out of his groin… is not joking

The Writer™: Hey it was your choice to try flaunting your masculinity with a maniacal The Writer™ trying to do something. Besides you heard it yourself no one was impressed…

Winry: yeah my smallest screwdriver was bigger…

Lust: Even I'm turned off…

The Writer™: and that's saying something… anyway—

Envy: Anyway be sure to review and watch out for Part 3.

The Writer™: There you got to say something… happy now?

Envy: Yes…

The Writer™: Don't forget, REVIEW! (or I'll give you all clown-crotch!)


	3. Part 3: Behind the scenes, cast and crew

**Disclaimer:** As I said before I don't own any of the characters listed here…(aside from The Writer™)

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**Behind the scenes of **_**It Just Gets Worse**_

The Writer™- Has anyone ever noticed that some people never check their e-mail?

Envy- Why, _yes!_ Yes I _did_ notice that!

The Writer™- Wait how do you even know what e-mail is, you're from the 1920's…

Mustang- Only when we're on camera.

Gluttony- I-err… I might've eaten some of the outgoing e-mail from your computer…

The Writer™- …I beg your pardon…_**WTF!?**_

Luther- Weeeellll… It's simple really if you realize… _Data! They're just data!_

The Writer™- Get back in your PS2 disc, you don't belong in this universe…

Luther- I _invented_ this and _all_ universi!!

The Writer™- D'you wanna get deleted _again_?

Luther- (disappears)

Natsume- But we miss youuuuu…

Albel- Finish my story _now_ maggot!

Sango- Seriously, it was just getting to the good part!

Inuyasha- Oi! You left before I got any!

The Writer™- Just for that outburst… _**YOU ARE CANCELLED**_

Inuyasha- Awwww fffffff-----(disappears)

Sango- Oh well…

The Writer™- Actually I just have no where to take your story, sorry.

Sango- We had a good run…(disappears)

Ed- Stop butting in on my time with Riza!

Black Hayate- _**Bark**_

The Writer™- Look being a Writer™ isn't as easy as just finishing all your crap people… I really do legitimately _want_ to finish your stories. Lord knows I'd probably get more reviews if I did. I really feel unloved by the majority of the community… Each review I get is like a special award…especially since I get so few. I sometimes wonder if I could get more reviews by posting buzzwords in my description and making everything general under the teen classification… But I'm really against lowering my standard of work to suit what everyone else is doing… I'm going in circles now. But my point is, when I get a new idea I have to Write™ it, or everyone else's story-line will get distracted and suck.

Unison- You like to rant don't you…

The Writer™- Don't you have players to kill and data to drain…

Unison- Oh SHIT, I do! See ya… (disappears with Natsume)

Albel- You're beginning to bore me… (disappears)

The Writer™- Well, sorry about that. Where were we? Oh right bad karaoke…

Hughes- Didn't you say _I_ would have a part in this?

Sciezska- Hey isn't that your daughter?

Hughes- !! Over there!? Where's my cute little girl!! (runs off)

The Writer™- Eh, thanks… Maybe I'll write you a fic soon.

Ed- Can we get back to the matter at hand here?

The Writer™- My, my, aren't we short on patience…?

All- … (wait in silence)

Ed- What?

The Writer™- I think they were expecting some sort of explosion…

Ed- Well, I'm not really very patient.

All- … (stunned silence)

Ed- WHAT!? I'M NOT ALWAYS AS HOT HEADED AS IN THE SHOW!!

All- … (eye-rolling silence)

Ed- … (annoyed silence)

All- … (ignoring silence)

Ed- … (competitive silence)

All- … (silent silence)

Ed- … Okay, damn, I can't beat that…

Mustang- Barbecue time?

Envy- Barbecue time!!

Gluttony- BARBECUE TIME!!?

Hoenheim- I'll just say my one-liner and be over here with my resounding lack of personality.

Ed- You do that…

Mustang- How does everyone want their steak?

Ed- Medium-well.

Envy- What he said…

Hawkeye- Here's a chart that explains it in detail…

Kimblee- Red, bright red!

Winry- Greasy! I never have enough grease…

Havoc- Hot…

King Bradley- It doesn't matter, I've already seen that mine will be burnt…

Armstrong- Beautiful!

Greed- Big, real big.

Gluttony- Mooing!

Al- I can't eat a steak…

Ed- Because it came from an innocent cow?

Al- Because I'm a talking can…

Mustang- Alright, here goes! (snaps fingers and broils up several slabs of beef)

Ed- Not bad… (eats)

Envy- His looks better… (looks at Ed's steak)

Hawkeye- You didn't even look at the chart did you? (sighs)

Kimblee- Hey this is pink… I said RED! (blows up the steak)

Winry- Now, how do I get this grease back to my shop…?

Havoc- Well it's not Miss Amestris, but it'll do…

King Bradley- … (the Ultimate Eye is never wrong…)

Armstrong- It's perfect! (his steak sparkles in purple splendor)

Greed- That was tasty, I wish I had a million of these…

Gluttony- Not mooing… Oh well… (eats his entire plate fork knife and napkin)

Al- Well at least nothing could go wrong with my steak…

Fayt- I do like steak…

All- … (stare)

Fayt- What, can't I hang with you guys?

Cliff- We really shouldn't be here, man. Let's get out of here… (gives up arguing and leaves)

Albel- I'm not leaving without steak!

Farleen- You're not getting steak until you apologize! (drags him off… somehow)

Tynave- That girl is either very brave or very foolish… (gives chase)

Inuyasha- Oi! I smell meat!

Sango- Baka, we can't expect to get more chapters if we keep bothering them!

Unison- Can steak be data drained…?

Hyphen- I wouldn't think so…

Unison- YOU!?

Hyphen- Crap… (runs away quickly, chased by Unison)

All- … (stares at Fayt)

Fayt- Is that a 'no'?

All- … (stare)

Fayt- Fine, geez… (sulks off)

The Writer™- As you all can see, 1, there's a lot of distractions around the production site of _It Just Gets Worse, _and 2, very little thought goes into the comedy behind it. I suppose I'm just better at Write™ing serious, angsty, and mildly hentai material. One last thing I'd like to mention is that I really do _need_ you to review things for me. Yes _you_.

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AN- Well I hope you enjoyed your behind the scenes tour with the cast and crew of _It Just Gets Worse_. Part 4 is pending reviews, those of you who have reviewed some part or another, feel free, nay, encouraged, to review again on some other part.

Now I will thank all of my reviewers so far.

kira-924: I hope this little detour isn't a let down. I'm glad you enjoyed parts 1 and 2.

Scarlet Tears: Kudos greatly accepted, and no there isn't enough of this pair.

betsuni: I'm not sure whether you enjoyed it at all or not, but hey, you read it. You even thought about the logic behind it and gave some good criticism, that's a win in my book.


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